


This is a terrible idea

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bifur approves very much, Bofur is overprotective and Does Not Approve, Bombur is too nice for his own good, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Modern AU, Nori is secretly a hopeless romantic, character death in chapter 8, fem!Bombur, fem!Nori, tags and warning to come as needed, the fluffiest of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 21:33:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bombur is a father, and as honest a dwarf as one will ever find.<br/>Nori spent his life running away from his family, and he's a thief, and a condwarf, and an assassin if he has to.<br/>Falling in love with each other was a terrible idea. But terrible ideas are what make life interesting.</p>
<p>A series of various Nori/Bombur stories because let's spread the love for this ship, it has fluffy feelings inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. overprotective

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i've wanted to do this for a while, but I was waiting to have, you know, new stories to put in here.
> 
> I am so addicted to shipping these two idiots, it's not even funny anymore D: So if you have prompts, ideas, or anything at all to share, don't hesitate~ my tumblr, as always, is http://tagath.tumblr.com/ :D

The wooden spoon hit Bofur’s head hard, sending his hat to fly away on the ground.

“ _Ow_! What was _that_ for, Bom? Were you afraid I’d steal from your plate or someth…”

The spoon fell again, harder than the first time.

“OW! Why…”

“This stops,” Bombur declared coldly. “And it stops _now_.”

“What do you…”

For the third time, the spoon met Bofur’s skull.

“I mean, that it _stops_ ,” Bombur said slowly, carefully enounciating each word. “I’m sure you mean well when you tease me and treat me like a child, but I am a grown dwarf capable of living my own life and making my own decisions, thanks very much.”

“I _know_ that!” Bofur protested. “It’s just a bit of fun, you never minded before!”

“I _did_ , and I broke your nose when your were a hundred because of that, and you had _stopped_ , and now you’re doing it again. I don’t like it. You will _stop_.”

Bofur opened his mouth, looked at the heavy spoon in his brother’s hand, and closed his mouth again, choosing instead to glare at Nori. It was all _his_ fault after all. If the damn thief hadn’t started flirting with his brother, Bofur would never have needed to protect Bombur by making it clear that he wasn’t want Nori wanted, so he wouldn’t have started teasing him as he had when they were younger, Bombur wouldn’t have gotten angry, and Bofur’s head wouldn’t be hurting.

It was all Nori’s fault, really.

Nori who was looking at Bombur as if he were made of gold and diamonds.

“What d’you think ye’re doing, Nori?” Bofur growled menacingly. “Don’t you have a brother to watch over? Been a while since Ori and Kili went to fetch wood, hasn’t it?”

The spoon fell again.

“Stop that, Bo,” Bombur ordered, voice cold as ice. “Nori can look what he wants and when he wants, and if you don’t want me to crack that thick skull of yours, you’ll mind your own business, is that clear?”

“But…!”

Bombur raised the spoon again.

“Oh, fine then,” Bofur grumbled. “Don’t come asking for my help when he leaves you all heartbroken and crying, ‘cause I’ll have warned you.”

“ _Leave him_?” Nori repeated, sounding horrified by that very idea. “I’m not leaving him! You don’t _leave_ a dwarf who can handle kitchenware like that, you _marry_ him.”

Bofur rolled his eyes while Bombur blushed and looked away, all his anger replaced by embarrassement. Nori took no notice of it and went to hug the larger dwarf.

“I’m _serious_ , Bombur. Call me mama, I’m getting _married_. This minute, if that’s what it takes to prove I’m serious.”

“Your mother is _dead_ ,” Bofur spat at him, trying to hide the beginning of a smile.

“Call Dori, then. He’ll do the trick.”


	2. first born

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori and Bombur were together briefly when they were young, then went their own way.  
> Bumbur thought that was all their was to know about their first romance.  
> He was wrong.  
> (fem!Nori)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alckalin gives me the best of prompts, but that's nothing new  
> Still, don't hesitate if you have any idea of any sort with that pairing... :D

Bombur loved Nori dearly, and was ever so glad that their quest for Erebor had brought them together again. They’d had a short affair when they were young, long before he’d married his now departed wife, and it was a time of his youth he’d always recalled with a great fondness. At the time he hadn’t known why she’d left. Now that he knew her better, he could easily understand that she wasn’t the sort to get trapped into a relationship.

Even now, Bombur was perpetually amazed by the fact that she was staying.

For a given value of staying.

She wasn’t often home, leaving regularly for Mahal only knew what (he suspected she somehow worked for king Dain, but she wouldn’t say), never staying long when she came back.

He’d rather not know what she was up to when she was away from Erebor. He was sure it was dangerous, illegal, and probably very immoral.  
 He also suspected that she was anything but faithful to him during those trips. It had hurt the first time Dori had suggested that, but he’d grown used to it.

It didn’t matter what Nori did when she was away.

What mattered was what she did when she was home with them. And what she was then was a caring lover to him, a great friend to his children, and a protective sister to her brothers.

Bombur didn’t care about the rest.

* * *

 

Bombur rather liked Ori. He was a shy lad, but he seemed to love the children, and he always found time to come and play with them. Especially when Nori was out of Erebor and Bombur had to deal with the little ones on his own.

The young scolar (now head of the royal library) did not talk to him much, but Bombur felt they got along well enough. Sometimes he noticed the lad looking at him as if he had a question on the tip of his tongue, but Ori never seemed to dare to ask it. After three years, Bombur took pity, and when one evening they were alone, and the children had gone to bed, he asked the lad what the problem was.

Ori blushed. “It’s about Nori. You… you know she’s known… others before you, right?”

“I’m among the ones she’s known before, lad, so you’re not surprising me here. What about it?”

The boy blushed even more, and started fidgeting with his scarf.

“They think I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve tried to talk about Dori but he forbid me to mention it, and Nori always finds a way to escape when I try, but I’ve heard _them_ talk. So I know.”

“Know what, lad?”

“Nori isn’t my sister at all. She’s my mother.”

Bombur’s eyes opened wide. That was not something he had expected. Nori had always made it very clear to him that she didn’t want children, she had told him she knew potions to make sure she wouldn’t get pregnant, and others to lose the child if an accident happened. She liked _his_ children very much, but she didn’t _want_ any of her own.

“Are you _sure_ about that, lad?”

“Sure enough. Don’t know who’s the father. Maybe she doesn’t know it herself. She never told Dori anyway, no matter how often he asked, and I think he’s asked a lot. I suppose, in the end, Dori is pretty much my father, since he raised me.”

Ori forced a weak smile, but Bombur could tell the entire thing was causing some great pain for him.

And how could it not? Nori had never made any secret of the fact she didn’t want children. She publicly joked about it, calling Bombur’s kids the only one she’d ever have. Which meant Ori was an unwanted accident, and there was no way he could pretend he wasn’t.

“Sorry for bothering you with that,” Ori said then. “It’s just, I don’t really get to talk about it, and Kili and Fili wouldn’t get it because they’re royals and all, and… well…”

“Thank you for trusting me with that, lad,” Bombur cut him. “Can’t have been easy. And if you ever need to talk about it, I’m here.”

“Thanks. I… I wanted you to know… thanks for making Nori so happy. I… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile as much as she does with you. And. Well. Seeing her with your children, I realized… she’d never have been a mother, even if she’d wanted me, eh? She’s… she’s good at being a sister, but…”

“But she thinks teaching kids to pick pockets is a great idea,” Bombur sniggered, “and she forgets to feed them if no one is around to remind her.”

“Just as well. Don’t tell her I said that, but she’s a _terrible_ cook.”

“Well, she _did_ learn with Dori…”

They shared a laugh.

* * *

 

After that, Ori was a lot more relaxed around Bombur, as if letting go of his secret had taken a weight of his shoulders.

But Bombur’s curiosity had been piqued. He wondered how old exactly the lad was, if Nori had had him before or after their first affair. And before long, he went to see Dori to ask him details.

The other dwarf was horrified that Ori would have chosen to share that story with anyone.

“It’s a family problem!”

“Well, I’m sort of part of the family now, and he _had_ to talk about it to someone.”

Dori grumbled, but did not protest.

“What do you want to know, then? I can’t give you the father’s name, I don’t know it. Nori says she doesn’t know either, but I think she’s lying. She’d been gone for a while when… it happened. She’d been with someone for a while, but she had run away when it started looking too serious, as she always does, and she came home to drop whatever money she’d stolen that time, and she left again. Five months later she came back, pregnant, and it was too late to… do anything about it. She had the child, I kept him and pretended he was our brother. Being our mother’s bastard was slightly less bad than being Nori’s.”

Bombur nodded. At least their mother had been married at some point, and a widow’s child was not as shameful as a maid’s one.

“She loves him, you know,” Dori said. “He’s the entire reason she joined the quest, and she adores him, even if she doesn’t know how to show it. She’s never been a mother to him, but she always made sure he always had everything he wanted, and she honestly paid for his apprenticeship more than I did.”

“No one who’s seen her with him could doubt that she loves him,” Bombur agreed. Immediately, his brother-in-law seemed to relax.

“Do you have any other question? I’d advise you to ask me rather than her. She’s… she won’t show it, but this whole thing is a bit of a sore point to her.”

“I’ll keep quiet then. Just one more thing: how old exactly is Ori?”

Dori told him.

Bombur made a quick calculation.

The dates fit.

“Thank you, Dori. That was very helpful.”

* * *

 

Bombur kept it to himself.

After all, Nori already knew, and it would be best to let her breach the subject first if she ever wanted to. He doubted she ever would. As for Ori, best not bother the lad with that, he had enough problems with the first secret, no need to make him live with another one.

But Bombur made sure to invite him more often, and he learned to make his favourite recipes.

That was the least he could do, really.


	3. old nemesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori's had a terrible days  
> it gets worst when he comes home and finds Bombur in the arms of his greatest enemy  
> The cooking channel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original prompt: Nori wonders if Bombur is cheating on him with the cooking channel. 
> 
> And I really want to eat lasagna. In case it's not clear.

It had been a long day, and not one of his best ones. It was not often that Nori lost at that little game he played with Dwalin, but there was no denying that for once, the policeman had won. An entire illegal casino, lost. Some of his best men, in prison.

Himself had only barely escaped, and only thanks to a well placed window.

After a day like that, the only thing he wanted was to get home, eat something nice (Bombur had mentioned making lasagna at some point that week. If there was a god, he’d do it that night), then cuddling on the sofa in front of some action film while Bombur appreciated the special effects and Nori criticized all the ways in which both the police and the gangsters never did things that way.

As it turned out, there was a god.

And he hated Nori.

Coming home and hearing that the TV was on was never a good sign. Hearing a woman’s voice explaining how to chop onions was worse than anything. It meant an old enemy was there, an enemy far worse than Dwalin would ever be.

_The cooking channel._

“I’m home,” Nori claimed, closing the door behind him. “Home and _starving_ , if anyone’s interested.”

“There’s leftover in the fridge,” Bombur answered.

He was on the sofa. A quick look told Nori there were a few pens on the kitchen table (had been tried to see if they worked, probably), and Bombur’s notebook was not at its place. Which meant he was taking notes.

He’d be at it for _hours_.

“How was your day?” Nori asked anyway. If he was very lucky, Bombur would notice the slight strain in his voice, turn off the tv, and come take care of him. Maybe he could still get lasagnas.

“They’re having a vegetarian night,” Bombur answered, the way most people would say they’d found a bag full of money on the street. “They all look excellent, can’t wait to try them! If they’re good, I might use them for the restaurant, Bifur will be glad if we have a few more meat-free courses. Oh, come and look at that! The things that woman is doing with green peppers, it’s just gorgeous, I’ve got to try that. I wonder if our oven at home is precise enough…”

Nori groaned. This day was getting worse and worse.

“You should marry that bloody channel,” he grumbled, opening the fridge to find his dinner.

“I would if it were legal in our state.”

Nori rolled his eyes, and looked on the shelves.

To his delight, he found a serving of lasagna.

To his horror, they were salmon lasagna.

He _hated_ that day.


	4. Bad day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt on tumblr from greenekangaroo:
> 
> Bombur/Nori- Nori comes home after a really REALLY bad day- like the kind that makes you want to give up on life- and Bombur comforts him.

Nori didn’t have many bad days.

Bad days were a thing that happened to people who didn’t have enough control over their lives, and Nori had absolute control. Nothing escaped his knowledge. That was his job. He was paid to know everything, and to make sure everything went right.

Nori was good at that job.

Except when he wasn’t.

It had been lucky that Dwalin had been there. It had been lucky the warrior had such good reflexes. It had been lucky Fili had been quick to understand what was going on. It was lucky Kili and Ori had trained that morning and had come to the meeting with mail under their shirts.

They’d been _lucky_.

Luck wasn’t _supposed_ to play a role in their lives.

Nori’s job was to make sure no one he cared about ever had to be _lucky_.

And he had _failed_.

He had seriously considered going to the first tavern he’d see and get drunk enough to forget his name, but that wouldn’t help. He didn’t need to get pissed, he needed to get better. Find more informants. Develop his network. Watch more closely.

Make sure no one had to be lucky ever again.

So he’d gone home, prepared for a night of hard work, to compensate with the work he should have thought of doing before. He could never let something like that happen again, it had been too close. He’d failed to protect them once before, during the battle of the Five Armies. His king and the princes had almost died, Dori had been hurt, Ori hadn’t been able to touch a pencil in months. He had failed them then, and once again that morning.

He could not fail them again.

Nori almost grunted in annoyance when he opened his door and smelled Bombur’s cooking. He should _never_ have given a spare key to the cook. He could not afford to be distracted, not that night, not when there was so much to _do_.

“I’m not in the mood for company tonight” he warned as he came in. “I’ve got work to do.”

“You can’t work on an empty stomach,” Bombur replied from the kitchen. “And Bif says you caught them all, didn’t you? You more than deserve a quiet evening. I’ve made your favourite, too, that pie with onions and gravy.”

The tone with which he said it left no doubt as to the fact that this barely qualified as food at all in Bombur’s world, but he still made these cheap, awful pies often enough. Nori loved them, and apparently the cook valued his thief’s pleasure above his culinary pride.

On an ordinary night, Nori would have teased him for it.

This was _not_ an ordinary night. He did not deserve his favourite dish, not when he had failed everyone. He did not deserve Bombur, didn’t deserve anything but a lonely night trying to figure out what he’d done wrong, what he’d have to do right next time.

“I’ve got work to do,” he repeated. “And I’m not hungry.”

“We have an agreement,” Bombur answered, coming in the living room with his pie and a bottle of wine. “I don’t interfere with the risks you take, you don’t protest when I decide that you need to eat. And that’s what I decide now. So sit down and eat. Starving yourself won’t change whatever it is you’re concerned about.”

“I’ve got work to do. Maybe you can afford to think of nothing but stuffing yourself all day long, but some of us have a _real_ job, and people’s lives depend on it!”

The cook brutally dropped his pie on the table, and Nori winced. Bad choice of words. _Worse_ choice of words possible. And he wasn’t in a mood to have any sort of argument with his lover, not with how many people had already been hurt because of him, or could have been hurt, if they hadn’t been bloody _lucky_.

“Sit,” Bombur ordered, using that special tone he had sometimes, usually when he felt that everyone around him was acting like dwarflings.

Nori had learned long ago that resisting when that tone was used was a very bad idea. He sat down.

“Eat.”

“I’m not hung…”

“Eat, or I’m calling Dori and your mother, and _they_ will make you eat.”

Nori nodded, and made an effort to eat the small slice of pie that his lover put in the plate before him. He did feel a little better after, though he’d never admit it. He wasn’t sure when he’d eaten for the last time, but it might have been more than a day. Possibly two. He’d had a busy week.

“You’re not working tonight,” Bombur announced then.

“But I have…”

“Not. Working. The royals idiots can take care of themselves for a night, I expect, and if they can’t, then it’s natural selection if their line loses the throne. They can take care of themselves, but I’m starting to think you can’t. So I’m staying here tonight, and I’m going to make sure you’re properly fed, then we’re going to get you in a nice hot bath, and after that it’s bed for you.”

“I don’t…”

“You did your best, No,” Bombur said, hugging him from behind his chair. “And your best is a lot. You can’t do more than that. Mahal himself wouldn’t do more than you’re doing for Thorin right now.”

“Ori was hurt.”

“Your brother got a scratch on his cheek, and when I saw him two hours ago, he was proud of it and hope it’d leave a scar. I’m not sure that count as hurt.”

“The blade could have been poisoned.”

“It wasn’t.”

“It could have!”

“It _wasn_ ‘t,” Bombur repeated. “And even if it had been, it would not have been your fault, as you would see if you were in a state to think clearly. When was the last time you slept?”

“Last night.”

“When was the last time you slept for more than two hours?”

“… you don’t want me to answer that one.”

“That’s what I thought. Now come with me, there’s a nice hot bath waiting for you, and while you soak a little, I’ll finish dessert. I’ve made you custard, with nothing else to _spoil_ it.”

Nori couldn’t help a snigger then. Bombur would probably never forgive him the day he’s complained that his desserts were very nice, but he’d rather have the custard alone, like he did when he was a kid and just having custard felt like a feast.

Getting involved with a cook when you’d trained yourself all you life to eat anything that smelled edible was sometimes complicated, but Bombur didn’t complain too much about it, and he seemed glad that Dori and their mother enjoyed his cooking for the piece of art it was.

“You won’t leave me alone until I go to bed, will you?”

“I won’t even leave you alone then,” Bombur replied with a firm little nod. “I’m staying here tonight, to make sure that you’re getting the rest you need and deserve. So if any of your minions try to come disturb you, they’ll have to see me before then can wake you up.”

“Ah, where would I be if you weren’t there to protect me, I wonder?”

“Dead from hunger or thirst in an alley. Now try to eat a little more, and go have that bath, I’ll bring dessert to you there.”

“And will you join me in the water?”

Bombur blushed, and rolled his eyes, but he didn’t say _no_ , which was a good sign. Nori wasn’t sure he had the energy to do anything (he really did need some rest after all, as much as he disliked the idea) but a bit of cuddling would be nice anyway. And if Bombur really intended to stay, there would always be the following morning to do _more_ than cuddling.

“You know I love you, right?” Nori said, cutting another slice of pie.

“I wouldn’t bother with you if you didn’t,” Bombur replied, kissing his temple, tightening his arms around the thief. “And I love you too, even if you’re a bloody idiot with the survival skills of a two years old elf. Now eat, or I’ll have to get angry.”

Nori laughed, his worries pushed away for a few hours. He would still have to work the following day, to figure out how the assassins had managed to get so close to Thorin and his family.

But that would wait.

For now there was good pie, and Bombur’s company to be enjoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea that Nori and Bombur have a Sherlock/John sort of relationship, where Nori is very clever and very good at his job, but would forget to eat and sleep if someone didn't remind him that he needs it.  
> This might be because I have the same problem, without the perks of brilliance to at least excuse it XD  
> Some day, i'll write that AU where Nori is Sherlock and Dori is Mycroft. Someday.


	5. of French restaurants and pubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern day Nori/fem!Bombur

Nori had a type.

He liked gorgeous tall skinny blondes, the sort that looked like they had just walked out from a fashion show. More often than not, the women who ended in his bed were actually models. He saw it as a matter of pride. He was the sort of man who had to be seen with beautiful women at informal dinners with people who by the most incredible chance happened to work in the same field as him and always went to the same restaurants as he did. He also happened to have the sort of personality that made it very easy for him to get beautiful women to accept to dine with him.

None of them never stayed around for long.

It was part of it. They weren’t meant to stay. He had to show that he was attractive, that he inspired trust, that he could get them to be with him for a couple weeks if he wanted, but that he didn’t want them to remain for long, because he was a free spirit.

The sort of people he worked with liked a free spirit, especially if said spirit had low morals and would do almost anything for money.

That was when he was working.

Sometimes, he managed to get a day off, a real one, where he didn’t have to pretend that he enjoyed golf and squash, where he didn’t have to go to expensive French restaurants in the company of brainless idiots he despised.

On such days, he went to Bom’s pub.

It was everything his work persona claimed to despise. It was small, cheap, with large servings, half the people there were regulars who barely ever left, and the telly was always on.

Nori loved that place, because he’d come there his whole life, back when it was Bom’s parents who owned it, and when his own mother could only afford a meal in a pub for great occasions. He didn’t talk to his mother anymore, and he’d barely seen his brothers in years, because they didn’t fit in the sort of life he was trying to have. But the pub still felt a bit like home to him.

And of course, there was Bom.

Just like the pub was everything his usual restaurants weren’t, Bom was the direct opposite of his girlfriends. She was a short, stout thing of a woman with a bright ginger mane that she kept tied in a messy braid. She was terribly shy with strangers, but laughed loud with the regulars and with her family. And with Nori too.

Every time he came, he flirting with her shamelessly, and she seemed to find it hilarious. It never seemed to cross her mind that he might be serious, and that was maybe just as well. Nori himself didn’t know if he was serious, but he did know that he could never allow anything between them to _get_ serious. He could never have brought her to his restaurants, because she wasn’t the sort of woman expected of him, and because she’d hate the food there anyway. He’d have been forced to hide her, and you didn’t hide a woman like that.

If anything could have happened between them, he’d have wanted to show her around, let the world know that Nori Rivers was the luckiest bastard the world had ever known, because she was with _him_ , and no one else.

But nothing could happen, not when their lives were so different.

So he cherished the day where he could come to the pub, and enjoyed the food she prepared, knowing it was the only thing he’d get from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's imagine that some day, Nori will get tired of working with people he hates, and he'll go to Bombur, asking to marry her. She'll laugh in his face at first, but he'll insist until she admits he's serious.   
> Nori will start working at the pub, and he'll be shit at it at first, but he'll learn fast because he's a people's person and they'll be happy and fluffy.  
> There, I de-angsted that thing.


	6. Bom's pub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Nori/fem!Bombur
> 
> Bom likes her lifes, and she regrets nothing about it.  
> Well, that's not quite true.  
> She has one regret.  
> His name is Nori.

She'd been Bom for as long as she could remember, and no one knew where the name came from. Her real, actual name was Ruby, but only her teachers at school and now her banker called her that. To the rest of the universe, she was Bom.

And her pub was Bom's pub. It had a real name too, the Green Dragon, but no one ever called it that. It had been Bom's pub since before she'd inherited it from her parents.

It wasn't the greatest place in the country, and it'd never be on any tourist's guide, but it was _her_ place, and she liked it as it was, with the regulars whose stories she knew, with the others who came once a month, and those people who just stopped there because they were travelling and it was time for lunch.

Bom always did her best to make sure the food was good. It wasn't posh, but it was good, and you weren't hungry when you left, which in her experience was what people really wanted when they ate outside.

She didn't earn much, and her kids would never go to public school, but she earned enough, and she liked what she did. She had no regrets in life.

Or maybe she did.

Just the one.

That regret was called Nori, and he came once a month if he could. He always looked out of place, and yet perfectly at ease. Bom was sure he dressed down when he came to the pub, and that he wasn't used to jeans and t-shirt. For one thing, in the past eight years, he'd always worn the _same_ two t-shirts, and coming from a man who seemed to take such great care of his appearance, it was telling. And of course, once she'd seen him as he really was, all dressed up in a suit, a tall, gorgeous blond thing at his arm.

Bom hadn't felt jealous.

She'd known from the first time she'd seen him that she'd never have a chance with a man like that. She wasn't sure she'd have wanted a chance, anyway. He looked like a liar and a womaniser and she felt sure he couldn't be honest, not with the way he smiled like a shark. She'd never have wanted a man like that, no sir, not her. She was too smart to fall for that one.

Didn't mean she couldn't like it when he pretended to flirt with her. It was their game, nothing more. Men like him didn't go for women like her, and she knew better than to try anything with a man whose watch was worth more than her entire pub. It was just a game.

She liked that game.

“Hello, Bom!” he'd say. “What do you have in store for me today?”

“The curry's a killer today,” she'd answer. “Or we've got some nice fish and chips, if you're more in the mood for that, but really, the curry's what I'm recommending.”

“Then I'll go for that. Never contradict the cook, as they say, and certainly not when she's so pretty. Is that a new dress?”

“I've had it for a while, you're just never here when I wear it.”

“A _terrible_ mistake on my part! You look delicious like that. If the curry's only half as scrumptious as the cook who made it, then it'll be the better thing I've had in my life.”

“Beer?” she'd ask, rolling her eyes but smiling.

“Only if you're having one with me.”

Sometimes she would, if business was slow, and sometimes she wouldn't. She liked it when she had time, because Nori always had fun stories to tell, gossips and scandals, small comedies and great tragedies. He talked about people whose names she'd seen on the news as if he knew them personally. He probably did.

In exchange, she'd tell him about her little ones, whose dad she'd kicked out the day he'd thought that because she was short and fat and sweet-tempered, he could order her around. Nori had been horrified the first time she'd told him that, but when she'd explained how she'd thrown him on the street with her brother and the little ones cheering on her, he'd laughed, said she was amazing, and that he had half a mind to kiss her just for that.

He hadn't, of course.

It was all just a game.

A game she enjoyed far too much.

But a game nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd write that happy ending I had mentioned, but instead I did this.


	7. marry me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (modern AU, fem!Bombur)
> 
> One night, Bom finds Nori in her kitchen as she's closing the pub.

Bom had just closed the pub for the night when Nori appeared in the kitchen. She didn't know what was strangest. The fact that she was sure she'd locked the front door, or that he was wearing a suit that had to be worth more than Bom's car and house put together.

She tried hard to ignore the fact that he looked better than any actor in any film she'd ever seen, dressed as he was. She tried, and failed.

“Can I do something for you, Nori?” she asked cautiously, as seemed a good idea when dealing with a man like Nori who had broken in at two in the morning.

“I quitted my job,” he proudly announced.

“Good for you?”

“Indeed. They were all idiots. I am a free man now.”

“Look, if you want to celebrate, I'm sorry, but I've just closed as you can see...”

“Marry me.”

Bom froze. She could not have heard the words she had just heard. It was impossible.

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I didn't do it the right way,” Nori admitted, dropping on one knee, and Bom almost yelled that he'd get his pretty trousers dirty, but she stopped when he took her hand. “Bom, I've known you for years, and been in love with your for a good part of our acquaintance. I would be delighted if you would agree to marry me. Please?”

She felt a blush creep on her cheeks.

“But... but we don't even know each other!”

“Yes, we do.”

“You don't even know my real name!”

“Ruby, but you hate it because kids used to make fun of you and your hair.”

“I know nothing about you!”

“And I'm ready to answer all your questions,” Nori assured her, caressing her hand tenderly. “And we don't have to marry this instant. I can wait. I'm prepared to wait all the time that'll be needed. I've waited this long after all, what's a little more?”

Bom only stared at him.

This could not be happening.

This was her life, not a romantic comedy.

And in her life, handsome and mysterious men did not come to her pub's kitchen in the middle of the night to profess they had been in love with her for years and wanted to marry her.

She had her faults, but she wasn't stupid.

“Is this your idea of a prank?” she growled. “Because I don't like it one bit! It's one thing to laugh and pretend to flirt, but that's different, and that's not nice at all.”

“It's not a prank! Why would you... do I look like I'm joking?”

“Not really,” Bom admitted. “But you never do, that's the thing with you. Can't ever say if you're serious or not, that's the trouble.”

“Well, I _am_ ,” Nori grumbled, clearly disappointed with the turn the conversation had taken. “And I've been serious every time I've flirted, if you must know. I like you. I love you. I want to be part of your life. I thought you wanted it too, but clearly I was wrong. I'll go then, and never trouble you again. Sorry for making you lose your time.”

He made to leave then, as dramatic as ever. Bom rolled her eyes, and caught him by the sleeve, dragging him to her.

“Never said I wasn't interested,” she told him. “Just said that it was a bit hard to believe. I've seen the sort of girls you like, and I'm seeing the sort of clothes you wear, and I know how you move, and I'm not sure what you need is the cook of a cheap pub.”

“What I need, maybe not. What I _want_ , certainly. Marry me?”

She bit her lips, fighting back a snigger.

“That'll wait a bit. For someone who's supposed to be so clever, you're not much good at this, you know. We'll have to get to know each other a bit more. I don't even know what you do for a living!”

“Currently unemployed. That's the first thing I told you, too. This relation is never going to work if you don't listen, you know.”

She did snigger this time.

“You'll have to meet my kids, too,” she said. “You remember I've got little ones, don't you?”

“David is eight and Donna is ten, they're both terrors, and you'd never let a man in your life without their approval. See, _I_ listened. Does it mean I get a chance, then?”

“You'll have to prove yourself in a date or two before you get to meet them, though.”

Nori smiled at her. It was not his shark smile, and it wasn't his flirting smile either. Bom suspected it might be a sincere smile, if such a thing was possible with him.

“What would you say about Thursday night, Indian and a film?”

She wasn't sure when she'd told him that Indian was her favourite, and she did not want to know how he knew that she'd already decided to take that Thursday off anyway.

“Sounds fine,” she decided. “How 'bout we meet here at 6?”

“Seems perfect. Will it be terribly forward if I were to kiss you now?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Ah. Will you physically harm me if I do it anyway?”

“Only one way to know,” she replied with a large smile as she tried to ignore the fact that she was probably blushing terribly and could not have looked very threatening.

He grinned, and kissed her.

She didn't punch him, and instead pulled him closer.

It had been worth the wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there.  
> Have a happy ending.  
> Because I'm a romantic idiot.  
> I feel sort of done with this for now, but who knows.


	8. There was a plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori had a plan.  
> That plan had never involved falling in love with Bombur.  
> So he changed his plan.  
> The new plan had never involved Bombur dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, so, Alcka and I had a conversation last night that went something like  
> "hey, d'you know there's a cartoon where Bombur's the one who dies at the BOFA?"  
> "The only one?"  
> "Yeah, maybe, i don't know, who cares? Can you imagine the ANGST though? Poor Nori."  
> "Poor Bombur's kids."  
> "Poor everyone."
> 
> So I wrote this.

Nori had had a plan.

That plan was to protect his two idiot brothers who had agreed to follow a delusional king into a hopeless quest.

The plan was simple.

The plan had never involved falling for a fat ginger cook who laughed too much and seemed about as prepared for this trip as Ori was.

Nori didn't fall for people. He _fucked_ people, when the job gave him time for it, or when the job required it, but he didn't _fall_ for people. He left that romance crap to idiots who could afford it, like Dori. He didn't fall for people. He didn't have the time, he couldn't take the risk, he had better things to do with his life.

And yet it hadn't taken him long to realize that he was in love with Bombur, and that the soft, shy cook loved him back.

Nori hadn't even tried to fight it or to deny it. He knew their chances of survival. If he could spend his last few weeks in the company of someone who didn't think he was worth less than troll shit, then he would.

Dori thought he was messing with Bombur ("He's the cook! You don't mess with the cook, Nori, I thought you of all people would know the first rule of travelling!"), Bofur thought he was taking advantage of his brother (until Bombur made it very clear that he was no blushing maid and didn't need his honour to be protected, thank you very much), Bifur didn't seem to mind too much (-Bombur knows his mind. He's allowed to have bad tastes if he wants.-), and Ori seemed unsure of what he thought of it all.

"I thought you thought love was for people who have orc piss in place of a brain," he told Nori one night as they were waiting for dinner.

"Who said I was in love?"

"You, the other night, to him. I wasn't sleeping. Sorry."

"My fault for making great declarations when I'm on watch," Nori replied. "And it could have been a lie."

"Even _you_ don't lie that well, and you've told me once it's bad to lie when there's nothing to gain from it."

"Then I suppose I do love him."

Ori's smile then was so bright it outshined the stars.

"I'm sure the two of you will be very happy together! And at least now, we'll have someone in the family who can make decent food..."

Dori, who sat not far from them, glared at his brothers, and the two of them sniggered like naughty dwarflings.

* * *

Nori would never have expected that, of the two of them, Bombur would be the one keeping secrets. But he had, and it was not until they were all dying from hunger in Mirkwood that he admitted it.

They had just escaped the spiders, and had fallen to the ground on a place that felt vaguely safe. Bombur was lying next to Nori, holding him tight, as if he were afraid his thief would disappear while he slept.

"I've got kids," he whispered. "Four."

Nori tensed.

That wasn't the plan at all.

"How old?" he forced himself to ask, trying to ignore the feeling of sheer betrayal submerging him.

So _that_ was how it felt to realize you had been played with. He didn't particularly like it, to be honest.

"My eldest is forty two, the youngest turned nineteen just before I left. She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, with a smile that would make even Orcs want to hug her."

"Your wife and you are lucky, then."

There was a moment of silence. Nori wondered if he should leave, if he still had a right to be there, knowing his lover belonged to another. He should have left, if only because of his pride, but they were all going to die in a day or two, and even with what he now knew, he felt too good next to his cook.

"We were very lucky," Bombur agreed, speaking slowly, as one would to a wounded animal. "But my wife got the yellow fever fifteen years ago, and she did not survive."

Nori let out a breath, and pulled Bombur closer to him.

"You thought I was unfaithful," the larger dwarf accused, a hint of pain in his voice. "What sort of dwarf would do _that_?"

" _I_ would have, if I had met you while I was married to another."

Never mind that he wasn't the sort to marry, let alone have children. Nori had never believed in all these stories about having a One before, but his opinion on the subject had changed since he'd met Bombur, and he would have let nothing come between them. The cook was his.

"I'm glad you're not married, then."

"So am I. And I wish I could have met your kids. Bet they're fantastic."

"You'll meet them. When Erebor is free again, and I'm so rich I never have to worry about a thing in my life ever again, I'll send for them and they'll meet you. They're going to love you. And don't you say that I can't be sure of that. I am. They'll love you, because I love you."

Nori sniggered, but kissed him. "You're an idiot, Bom."

"At least I'm not the only one."

* * *

Nori had come with a plan.

A plan to protect his brothers.

That plan had changed to become protecting his brothers and his lover.

That plan failed at the Battle of the Five Armies when Bombur fell, an orc spear in his throat.

Nori wasn't even there to see it. They had been seperated not long after the battle had begun. His One had died, and he hadn't been able to even say goodbye.

* * *

Thorin offered him a job in the mountain. Dori and Ori prepared a room for him in the house they'd chosen for themselves.

Nori considered staying, for a while.

Until Bofur let it drop that Bombur's kids would be in the first caravan to come to the mountain.

Nori left the next day, taking all his things with him.

He wouldn't be back.

* * *

Loni was a tall girl of now forty-three, and young as she was, it was clear to all that her siblings looked up to her and treated her as their mother more than their sister. She was a solid lass, with solid thoughts, who knew that life was tough no matter what you did, but who had learned to accept it with a smile.

The travel to Erebor had been a rough one, but uncle Bofur and uncle and Bifur had written to tell her and her grand-parents that they should come, that life would be better there, so she had decided they would go. She didn't want her father to have died for nothing, and it wouldn't have been fair on the little ones to deny them a chance for a life of comfort.

She had _hoped_ that the people with whom her father had travelled would be nice to her and the little ones. Her dad had fed them on the road after all.

She had _not_ expected that she and the little ones would be virtually adopted by eleven dwarves and a hobbit.

The four of them and their grand-parents had gone to live with Bofur and Bifur, and she had a bedroom that must have been bigger than their entire house was in Ered Luin. It was cold and dirty and there was a smell of dragon everywhere, but she had decided to make it feel like home for all of them, so she worked hard for it.

She had help.

Bifur and Bofur, who apparently had never cleaned once in all the months they had lived there alone, started washing the walls and the floor to get the smell out.

That was when the visit started.

The first to come was Mr Baggins, who apparently loved food as much as their father had, and who suggested he could cook for them from time to time, if they wanted. Loni agreed. He had brought them very nice cookies that the little ones had loved, after all.

Then came Mr Oin and Gloin, who brought a powder to help with the dragon smell, and a detailed list of the fortune she and the little ones owned. There were more numbers on it than she'd ever seen in her entire life, but Mr Gloin promised if she had any trouble, he'd help her with it.

Mr Balin, who came a little after, promised the same thing, and Mr Dwalin said that if she ever had troubles of any sort, she just had to come see him and he'd always have time for her, or any of the little ones. He was head of the guards, and very big and very scary, so she promised she'd come to him, but she hoped she would never have to.

She had been terrified and in awe the first time the princes had come visit them, but after seeing them play with the little ones as if they too were only thirty, she had decided that royalty could be just as foolish as regular folks. They asked if they could come again to play, and she said yes, because the little ones liked them.

Not long after, king Thorin came, and announced that he had made her a Lady of Erebor, and that, once she would be old enough, as head of her family, she would have a place in his council. She wasn't sure how she felt about that, but apparently it meant she'd get to wear very pretty dresses and order people around, so she couldn't really complain about it.

But her favourites were Dori and Ori. She didn't call them mister, because they had insisted, and because they almost felt like family, with the way Dori always knitted things for her and the little ones and made sure they ate enough vegetables, while Ori had decided he'd be their teacher and he told them all there was to know when you were a dwarf, and then a few more things. And they were sad, the two of them, always sad even when they smiled, so she encouraged the little ones to hug them as much as possible.

It was nice. She still missed her dad, though, and she wished he'd been there with them.

* * *

The first package came on the second anniversary of the Battle.

It had toys in them, and books, and jewels, and recipes from far off places.

Loni didn't know who had sent it, or why, but it had her name and the little one's one it, so she accepted it gratefully.

The following year, another package arrived on the same date. The presents were of a different make, the recipes were from another part of the world, but they clearly had been sent by the same person. Loni asked her uncles if they knew where it could come from. Bifur shook his head, and Bofur found an excuse to escape.

The year after that, the package was smaller, but there were four little rings of mithril in it.

One year later, there was no package, and instead four strong ponies of one of the breeds they had in Rohan.

One year, they all got bright paints.

Another one, they received pearls from the sea, white ones and black ones, as well as something red, coral, according to a quick note within.

And it was like that every year. On the anniversary of the Battle, there would always be presents waiting for them.

Since no one would tell them who sent those, the little ones had decided that they were coming from their father's ghost, taking care of them even now. Loni thought it a very silly idea, but since she had no answers to give, she let them believe it.

She knew that others knew, though, because the entire Company would always ask her what they had gotten that year, and make comments on it, saying things like ‘he’s gone far this time’ or ‘no idea where that could be from’ or even ‘but that’s not so far, he could visit, really’.

The first few years, Loni tried to find out who this mysterious _he_ was. She’d given up when Ori had hinted that they had all promised not to tell, and he had looked so _sad_ then, even more than he usually did.

Perhaps the little ones had it right, and it was easier to pretend that all these pretty things came from their father.


	9. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori got hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone on tumblr asked me for Bofur/Nori and I am an idiot and I read it wrong.  
> That's what happen when I try to do things before my morning tea.

“I’m okay,” Nori repeated, not for the first time that evening.

Bombur ignored him, cleaning the wound with a clean cloth and hot water. That was as far as his medical knowledge went. Clean the wound. He could make stitches too, if needed, but he’d rather not take the risk, because Nori played with people who were not above using poison.

“Bom, I swear, I’m fine, I’ll be fine. It’s just a flesh wound.”

The cook didn’t react to the joke. It was an old one between them, but he didn’t find it funny this time. He’d been forced to wake up Loni and to send her to fetch Oin, even though he hated being wakened up in the middle of the night. But he was the only one Nori trusted, and Bombur couldn’t go himself because there was so much blood. It would have been cruel to ask his daughter to watch over Nori, and Nori couldn’t be left alone.

“It’s not as bad as it looks. Should have seen me. There were thirty of them, bunch of idiots who thought they had me trapped, so I begged for mercy and when they came close I…”

Bombur didn’t listen, refused to listen. He would, of course, later on, when Nori would be safe, when all the blood would be gone and Oin would have put stitches and claimed that everything was fine. He loved when Nori told of his deeds, bad or good, loved how clever the reformed thief was and had been, loved his way of making even the smallest skirmish sound like a great adventure. But if he listened to this particular tale now, when Nori was bleeding, he’d get angry, he’d yell at him that he should stop being so reckless, stop being the king spy since it put him into such danger, stop being everything that made him Nori.

Which Bombur didn’t really want of course. He loved Nori the way he was, with his good sides, and all the bad ones.

He just worried a lot sometimes. It didn’t help that he knew that Nori was rather likely to die somewhere far away some day, and that he’d keep waiting for him and never know he wouldn’t come back.

At least if he died this time, Bombur would know.

“I’m sorry, Bom,” Nori whispered weakly, grabbing his hand and forcing the cook to look at him. “I’ll be more careful next time.”

And that, at last, got a reaction from him, even if it was just a sad grin.

“No you won’t, Nori.”


	10. ignoring him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a prompt of "anything at all with Bombur" became "Nori's first reaction to Bombur is the same as the majority of the fandom's, but he soon realizes his mistake"  
> Because I love Bombur  
> A lot.

Bombur was fat, lazy and stupid.

Everyone knew it.

He was fat because he was lazy. He was lazy because he was stupid.

Nori didn’t think twice about it, and decided to ignore that fat, useless dwarf.

He ignored him, but noticed that of the entire company, Bombur was with Oin and Gandalf in betting that the hobbit would join their quest.

He ignored him, but heard that the dwarf was among the first to catch up with Bilbo’s story of parasites, when the trolls had captured them.

He ignored him, but saw that the cook ran as fast as him when they were chased by the orcs.

Nori ignored him, but after they escaped from the orcs, he started staying closer to their cook.

Bombur was fat, which made it complicated for him to go through some of the narrowest part of the underground passage they were taking, but he didn’t complain about it, even joking about it, helping to improve the mood again after the disaster that had almost happened.

Bombur was lazy, except he really wasn’t, carrying not only his fair share of the food, like everyone else, but also his cooking gear, now that they had lost the ponies, and Nori heard him offering to Ori to take some of his things for him.

Bombur was stupid, but he was the one to find the elve’s pantry, the one to discover a bunch of broken chairs that no one would miss if they were broken any further and used for a fire, the one who made sure they didn’t eat all the food they’d found, but rather kept some for the rest of the travel, since he rather doubted the elves would willingly give them anything.

When they left Rivendell at last, Nori walked right behind Bombur, and laughed at his jokes against the elves.

He had no intentions of ignoring their cook again.


	11. mine's better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: brotherly rivalry about who has the best boyfriend
> 
> Kili and Bombur are now wondering why they are dating Ori and Nori, really.

"Of course, you just can’t imagine what it’s like to have the very best lover in the world," Nori stated over a beer one night.

"Too much information," Ori replied, rolling his eyes, and sipping at his own drink.

"I don’t mean just the sex, though trust me, Bom is incredibly good at it, better than anyone I’ve had before. Well, there was that one elf who could do thing with their tongue, but…"

“ _Why_ are we talking about this?"

"Because my sex life is better than yours, and I need to brag. And as I was saying, it’s not just about sex. You’ve tasted Bombur’s food during the quest, right?"

"Right."

“ _Wrong_. What you’ve had is nothing compared to the piece of art that his cooking is when he’s got the time, the tools, and the ingredients. It’s to _die_ for."

Ori shrugged. “Ain’t impressed. Kili’s a fairly good cook too, when he wants. Doesn’t always have the time for it, but when he does… I’d go to Mordor and fuck an orc to get a spoonful of his _khezied_."

“ _Anyone_ can do a good _khezied_."

"But his is better than Mama’s. _And_ Kili gives the best massages ever. That’s the great thing ‘bout archers, they’ve got _strong_ fingers."

"Bom can sing."

"Kili can dance."

"Bom can kill orcs with a ladder."

"Kili… Kili can make a clean kill on a squirel, right through the eye!"

"Bom raised his kids on his own!"

"Kili survived living with Fili, Dis, _and_ Thorin!"

"Oh, nice one," Nori admitted. “Bombur… Bombur’s got the longest hair I’ve ever seen on any dwarf."

"Kili’s got a big hammer."

The prince, who had done nothing but sit next to Ori and roll his eyes until then, punched his lover’s shoulder.

“ _That_ is private!"

"And _true_ ," Ori pointed out, earning a glare. “Fine, fine, I’ll leave your huge, enormous, giant hammer out of… ow! Why did you punch me again?"

"Guess."

"Bom can take me all in his mouth," Nori informed them with a smirk. “That’s more useful than a dick too big to be used, I’d say."

Next to him, Bombur, who had started blushing at the first mention of his cooking, turned a fascinating shade of red and squeaked loudly.

"Nori!"

"True fact."

"I… I’m not staying a single minute more!" the cook grumbled. “And _you_ are sleeping on the _couch_ tonight!" he added, getting up from his sit. In that, he was quickly joined by Kili, who seemed just as annoyed and embarrassed as him, and they left the inn together.

"Mine’s got a nicer ass," Nori commented, watching them go.

"Can’t deny that," Ori sighed. “But mine does things with his, you just wouldn’t imagine…"

"Oh, really? Well, Bom can…"


End file.
